I have the dirtiest, dingiest, nastiest wheels on earth- these things will NOT come clean! Help!!?

I'm going to doubt they are chrome wheels, but polished alloy wheels. If that is the case...try rubbing alcohol or brake cleaner spray followed by a thorough high pressure car wash spraying. That may work on chrome wheels too but I've never personally tried it on chrome and I don't want you destroying a chrome finish. Having one of those mother ball polishers would help alot too for those hard to reach areas afterwards.