Constructive criticism on the beginning of my story?

Sorry, I'm not in the mood to sit and read it right now. But I can offer some advice, which is this: find an online writer's workshop, where you can get proper critiques from other writers, in exchange for critiquing their writing. Protaganize.com and ficly.com are very easy to use and reasonably fun. Ficly.com is VERY fun, but you have to write very short "ficlets" or break larger pieces up into ficlets. Not necessarily a bad thing, for critiques.